Young adults say their rules, if there are any, are far different from those of parents
By Kim Hone-McMahan
Beacon Journal staff writer
Beacon Journal staff writer
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Prime-time television often depicts men, women and children treating each other like trash.
Have we crossed a line regarding civility, or is there more to come?
“Someday … we will see people kill each other on TV.”
The Akron man who made that prediction was among several young adults who talked with the Beacon Journal about the culture of their generation: what is acceptable and what is not.
They were part of the Beacon Journal’s America Today project exploring topics that divide people.
The women in this story participated in a focus group designed and facilitated by Alice Rodgers of Rodgers Marketing Research. The men were interviewed afterward by a reporter.
The young adults were granted anonymity, which opened the door to sometimes graphic discussion of sex, relationships, technology, violence and religion, revealing societal changes that are occurring at a rapid pace.
And what was clear was that the generation that sleeps with its cellphones believes its generation operates with starkly fewer rules than those of their parents.
Media
The men disagreed on the role of media as an influence.
“The [violent] gladiator games will be taboo at first, but people will then accept it,” the 34-year-old said of violent games to the death.
And it isn’t because he thinks his generation is any more immoral than in years past. Behavior deemed unacceptable to many has always been around, he said, but what’s different is that such behavior is now commonplace on television and on the big screen.
“The networks are just giving us what we want,” he said. “If Jersey Shore’s ratings weren’t through the roof, they wouldn’t put those kinds of shows on TV. If Little House on the Prairie was the best thing ever, then they would be showing Little House on the Prairie. But people want to see these train wrecks.”
Another man in the group added that behaviors such as infidelity are typical themes in movies and television shows. There are no boundaries in relationships, and they are creeping into the culture.
One of the women offered herself up as evidence. While she was in a relationship, “his ex-girlfriend messaged me on Facebook, and that just creeped me out in so many different ways.”
But what she learned was, “He wasn’t as honest as he should have been in the beginning of our relationship. When I thought we were like, official, he was still shacking up with both of us.”
She said they took a break in their relationship.
The women were asked about relationships: “What are the rules for your generation?”
“…through social media, your television, through movies, through video games, through ads, it’s gotten more — it’s pushed the envelope more and more,” the 25-year-old said.
“There are no rules … It’s a free-for-all,” said the other participant, who is two years older. “It’s like there are no taboos anymore. … Nothing shocks us. I mean nothing.”
Few good men
The women spoke about how difficult it is to find good guys. And the men, perhaps surprisingly, agreed with their answers — but for different reasons.
“Oh, there’s no men,” said the 25-year-old woman, laughing. “There really are no men.”
Asked about her own boyfriend, she said: “I’m happy with him, but you know, he’s not what I would have picked. I mean I love my boyfriend, but it wasn’t my ideal. Like, if you would have asked me five years ago what kind of guy would you be dating, it wouldn’t be the guy I’m dating now.”
“I think as women you want this ideal guy, whatever that is for you,” added the other woman. “Everybody has their different type that they’re looking for. But that type doesn’t exist. And we keep thinking that we can find it or we keep thinking that we can get this guy and we can make him into what we’re looking for and that doesn’t happen.”
The men were more critical of their gender.
“The majority are dead or in jail. Me and my brother actually laugh about it — saying we are the only guys left in Akron who are actually working to take care of their kids,” said a 25-year-old father of one.
But the 34-year-old newly married participant thought that education often makes a difference. Those with college degrees are less likely to get into a gunbattle or have a prison sentence.
A long-term study by Ohio State University found that an increase in crime nationally during an 18-year span between the ’70s and ’90s was explained by falling wages and rising unemployment among men without college educations. And the Pew Partnership for Civic Change says it’s even worse for high school dropouts — noting that 75 percent of crimes in the United States are committed by someone who didn’t graduate from high school.
While the focus-group women grumbled about slim pickings when it came to men, they weren’t overly concerned about being alone. That’s because, as they explained, women can survive on their own.
“I’m perfectly happy with being by myself if I have to be,” said the 25-year-old. “But the men … they’re needy.”
The other woman added: “I wouldn’t want to say they want to be put on a pedestal, but they just want to be — they want to feel important, they want to feel that what they’re doing is valuable and important.”
Asked if she does that with men, she said: “All the time. Too much.”
When told about their comments, the 25-year-old man chuckled. In a near rant, he explained that while he likes to be praised for working hard or for taking good care of his main squeeze, it’s women who need attention.
“They love you to death, but all I keep hearing is, ‘I need more attention. I need more attention.’ ” he said, adding that the number of hours he works takes away from face-to-face communication with a girlfriend.
“Bottom line,” the older of the two men said, “women need love and men need respect.”
Sex
While living together before wedding vows is trendy, men and women are waiting longer to get married.
An analysis released in late 2011 of U.S. census data by the Pew Research Center found that barely half of all adults in the United States, a record low, are married. And the median age at first marriage has never been higher for brides (26.5 years) and grooms (28.7).
Some of the delay has to do with an ailing economy depriving them of a sense of stability, and one of the women offered an insight into a total shift in gender roles over the last 50 years — she needs to be able to take care of a man.
“I don’t feel like I’ll be comfortable to settle down until I know I’m stable with a job that I can take care of myself and be able to support myself and possibly someone else,” one of the women said. “If I get married and he loses his job for some reason, I have to be able to take care of both of us.”
But until that wedding day, many are jumping into bed with near strangers, or “friends with benefits,” a term defining friends who have sex without a relational commitment.
It generally doesn’t begin with a formal date — that’s old-fashioned — but alcohol often is a factor.
The two women were asked how hookups occur: Through dates?
“I don’t think I’ve ever had someone call me and say, ‘Do you want to go out on a date tonight? ” the 25-year-old woman said. “I don’t know that that happens.
“A lot of times,” she said, “it starts with, like a group or like you go out for drinks and you end up getting wasted and you sleep with the person. Well then, are we dating or are we not dating?”
Asked how friends advance to the level of having sex, one of the women said it “just kind of happens.”
The other interjected: “You’re drunk one night.”
And the first woman continued: “Drunk and things happen and then you walk home the next day and you think about it and it just keeps happening. You know, it’s a comfortable pattern, so …”
The other added: “You have these sexual needs and you know this person can meet those needs. In the beginning, you feel like … this will work out perfectly. I don’t have to commit.”
The problem is, she continued, the bed buddies care about each other because they are usually pals. The outcome? Not brain science.
“I’ve never seen it [the sexual relationship] go from friends with benefits to a relationship, but I have seen a lot of friendships end because of it.”
The women stressed how important it was to watch for obvious venereal diseases, like genital warts before sex. And condoms, they said, are a must.
Yet the 20-something bachelor maintains it’s the women who demand he remove a condom before having sex. Perhaps, he acknowledged, it’s a trust issue for them.
“Thing is, I don’t need to trust her, I need to trust my condom.”
While it appears that sex is OK, perhaps even encouraged, with anyone, anywhere and at anytime among many in the 25 to 35 age group, some hold themselves to a different standard.
To resist the temptation to engage in premarital relationships, courting is often much shorter in the young Christian community, said the older gentleman.
“If you go to Christian colleges, there are a lot of married sophomores,” he said, chuckling. “A lot.”
Kim Hone-McMahan can be reached at 330-996-3742 or kmcmahan@thebeaconjournal.com.
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